Why You’re Fat

Today’s Lesson: Mmph. Can’t typef. eating.


As I shoveled another forkful of Five Guys fries covered in vegan chili and Daiya cheese into my mouth and followed it with a drink of Squirt soda, which is basically carbonated sugar, I wondered why my pants felt so tight.

I really try to convince myself I am active and physically fit, but I eat a little too much. It is true, being vegan, I eat, on par, healthier food than most people. At the end of the meal, though, it is still a simple equation: Calories In versus Calories Out.

I walk every day, I ride my bicycle every few weeks, I have a Stand-Up Paddleboard now. I get exercise. I just like to follow it up with Peanut Butter and Chocolate Banana-based ice cream and chili cheese fries with soda.

It is true I sit on my butt about 13 hours a day (of the 16 I am awake) but I feel like I should be a lot thinner…almost as much as I feel like having a donut. 2 donuts.

Anyway, I realize I have 3 options here.

     1. Do nothing. Just be fat and pretend like I accept myself just the way I am because I am beautiful and people have all kinds of blah-blah-blah–tell it to the mirror.

     2. Do something. Sneak in exercise–like, the legitimate, calorie-burning kind, everywhere I can. Give up a little more sleep and hit the gym. Except I hate the gym, so go for a walk or jog or do push-ups or just jump in place. Anything.

     3. Do something else. I know it is simple math. I love sugary foods–lattes, an occasional soda, donuts, ice cream, chips, cereal, etc. All vegan, but still loaded with sugar or cane juice or high-fructose corn syrup, or just plain sugar. I can eat less, or different, foods. Calories In must equal less than Calories Out.

Maybe I will try a little of each (I think that’s a Freudian-diet slip). I do not mind being overweight, by the way. I’m older, I’m healthy, I work a lot, I earned it. I just like the way I look and feel more when I am not so heavy.

If it makes you feel better, I did follow the chili cheese fries and soda with a salad covered in vegan Bac-O’s and Ranch dressing. Hey… I had to start somewhere.